The Unconscionable Lyricism of Train Guy

You may recognize the smug, vaguely unsavory character above as Pat Monahan, lead singer of Train. He's known for writing catchy melodies, as well as the worst lyrics in pop history (a feat on par with being the dumbest guy at a Sarah Palin book signing). Obviously, we'll be exploring the latter.

"Hey, Soul Sister" is lyrically absurd, not least because it makes him the first Irishman in history to call anyone a "soul sister" with a straight face. It also contains this:

Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug

I'm sure this line wasn't intended seriously; Pat Monahan clearly takes a lot of drugs.  Then there's this gem:

I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat
right out my untrimmed chest

I'm not sure if this was supposed to be funny, but it's just disgusting.  No one wants to think about the condition of your chest hair, Pat.

But "Hey, Soul Sister" is Keats compared to the solo semi-hit "Her Eyes." It's fair to say that this song's lyrics would be laughed out of a middle-school poetry competition. Go ahead and attempt to get all the way through it; it's not just dumb, it's actively painful.

She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
When she gets paid, True Religion gets it all
If they fit right.

That's pretty bad, but it's about to get much worse.

She's a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn't panic for the most part.

She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no
To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets.
Like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds. 

This is the sort of incoherent thought commonly associated with schizophrenia. I guess Pat's girlfriend isn't the only one off meds.

Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I'm so glad she's mine. 

Jesus. I was going to do one more song, but I think the point has been made, and I can't take anymore of this jackass.