Chart Notes for February 26-March 4

3. Grenade - Bruno Mars
14. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
On "Yonkers," Tyler the Creator expresses a desire to "stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus," which seems really harsh to me. Well, slightly harsh.

7. S&M - Rihanna
Don't forget the safe word, Rihanna.

10. Black & Yellow - Wiz Khalifa
My favorite part of this song is that he's actually bragging about his diamonds being yellow. Where did he buy them, a tool and die shop?

11. Hold it Against Me - Britney Spears
As shitty as this song is, it's way better than the B-Side, "Sleep on Your Stomach."

21. Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

29. No Hands - Waka Flocka Flame ft. Roscoe Dash and Wale
Wow, you really went to a strip club? That's so awesome! Hey, this bottle of Triple Sec has been in here for like a year...I'm sure my dad wouldn't notice if we took a few shots.

30. Ke$ha - We R Who We R
I know this is three weeks in a row, but Ke$ha is the worst current pop artist, and I'm going to keep banging on her (her music, that is; I don't own a hazmat suit).

31. Look at Me Now - Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes
OK, when a guy who usually sings and only dabbles in rapping decides to drop a verse right before Busta and Weezy, he's going to get shown the hell up. Frankly, I expect better decision-making from Chris Brown.

37. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
Since this collaboration is basically the musical equivalent of the Axis of Evil, I expected the song to bite like a pit bull on PCP, and I was still stunned at how bad it actually is. I'm not linking it; I don't want to make others suffer like I did.

Chart Notes for February 19-25

1. Born This Way - Lady Gaga
Well, this title should certainly put those rumors to rest.

6. Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You) - Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris and DJ Frank E
This is the song that "Pick Up Artist" dudes listen to while they preen the feathers on their hats before they hit the club.

9. The Time (Dirty Bit) - Black Eyed Peas
B.E.P. used to be a credible Native Tongues rap group, back in the pre-Fergie days.  I only hope that it seems as impossibly distant to them as it does to the rest of us.

14. Rocketeer - Far*East Movement ft. Ryan Tedder
Speaking of things that seem like a long time ago, remember when Ryan Tedder wrote a song for Kelly Clarkson and she was surprised that it sounded like one of his other songs?

18. Hit the Lights - Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne
This song debuts the same week we saw Watson win Jeopardy, which doesn't strike me as a coincidence after listening to it.

20. Ke$ha - We R Who We R
The Ke$ha Home Game:  Stand with your back to a mirror and fix your face to say "hot ANNND dangerous" the way Ke$ha does to start this song, then turn and face the mirror.  Then pour stale beer all over yourself.

23. I Do - Colbie Caillat
I confess that I haven't listened to this song yet; I'm waiting to listen to it the way it was intended, but I'm all out of strawberry Yoplait and lavender bath oil.

26. Coming Home - Diddy-Dirty Money ft. Skylar Grey
This song is actually a remarkable achievement. There have been dozens of Overcoming Adversity rap songs with a big, uplifting chorus, but Puffy somehow makes the whole idea seem even less fresh. It doesn't help that the adversity he's referring to is everyone realizing that he's a hack.

31. Down on Me - Jeremih ft. 50 Cent
Slumming with Birthday Sex Guy is a bad sign for 50 Cent's career. It's a much worse sign that it doesn't even seem like slumming anymore.

34. Firework - Glee Cast
38. Thriller/Heads Will Roll - Glee Cast
I wanted to use a picture for this entry, but an image search for "threadbare welcome mat" didn't come up with anything decent.

Chart Notes for February 12-18

2. Grenade - Bruno Mars

Unfortunately for Bruno, they don't give out the Medal of Honor for being whipped.

3. Firework - Katy Perry

4. Fuckin' Perfect - Pink

I listed these together because they're (a) next to each other on the chart, and (b) basically indistinguishable.

8. What's My Name? - Rihanna ft. Drake

Once again, Drake is invited to the picnic. And once again, he shows up with a handful of McDonald's napkins and a warm 2-liter of Big K.

14. Ke$ha - We R Who We R

Ke$ha's fanbase will appreciate this title. It helps them make the transition from shopping at Toys R Us.

15. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars

Boredom isn't just the absence of interest; it actually has a presence of its own. You could be watching Jet Li fight a polar bear with numchuks, and you'd still be bored if this was the soundtrack.

18. 6 Foot 7 Foot - Lil Wayne

Holy shit, Lil Wayne actually decides to rap again. Let's all hope he sticks to that, as we try to drink enough to blot Rebirth out of our memories.

22. What the Hell - Avril Lavigne

Pretend I copy-and-pasted the above line here, and then added a lot of question marks.

25. Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

This song was nominated for a Grammy, but Christina Perri won't get to be on the show because the Most Disgusting Metaphor category is part of the Technical Awards.

29. Down on Me - Jeremih ft. 50 Cent

If I told you that Birthday Sex Guy had a new song with a title referencing oral sex, I bet you'd be shocked when I told you that it sounds a whole lot like "Birthday Sex," right?

No?

34. Marry Me - Train

The first time I heard this song, I liked it. It came on right when my alarm went off in the morning, and I wasn't awake enough to listen to the lyrics. Pat Monahan strikes again!

38. Rhythm of Love - Plain White T's

Judging from the lyrics, I think this is supposed to be a Sexy Song to Sex To, but no one is white enough to keep wood with this guy's voice in the background.

39. Bottoms Up - Trey Songz ft. Nicki Minaj

For everyone who thought "Say Ahh" was too heavy on the chivalry.