The Unconscionable Lyricism of Train Guy

You may recognize the smug, vaguely unsavory character above as Pat Monahan, lead singer of Train. He's known for writing catchy melodies, as well as the worst lyrics in pop history (a feat on par with being the dumbest guy at a Sarah Palin book signing). Obviously, we'll be exploring the latter.

"Hey, Soul Sister" is lyrically absurd, not least because it makes him the first Irishman in history to call anyone a "soul sister" with a straight face. It also contains this:

Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug

I'm sure this line wasn't intended seriously; Pat Monahan clearly takes a lot of drugs.  Then there's this gem:

I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat
right out my untrimmed chest

I'm not sure if this was supposed to be funny, but it's just disgusting.  No one wants to think about the condition of your chest hair, Pat.

But "Hey, Soul Sister" is Keats compared to the solo semi-hit "Her Eyes." It's fair to say that this song's lyrics would be laughed out of a middle-school poetry competition. Go ahead and attempt to get all the way through it; it's not just dumb, it's actively painful.

She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
When she gets paid, True Religion gets it all
If they fit right.

That's pretty bad, but it's about to get much worse.

She's a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn't panic for the most part.

She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no
To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets.
Like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds. 

This is the sort of incoherent thought commonly associated with schizophrenia. I guess Pat's girlfriend isn't the only one off meds.

Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I'm so glad she's mine. 

Jesus. I was going to do one more song, but I think the point has been made, and I can't take anymore of this jackass.

Chart Notes for March 19-25

1. Born This Way - Lady Gaga
I actually linked to Madonna's "Express Yourself" instead of this. I'm telling you because you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.

7. Grenade - Bruno Mars
I hope Bruno didn't write this song for an actual girl. If he did, he's probably still writing off getting dumped the next day as a coincidence.

10. Blow - Ke$ha
This title is also the only word on Ke$ha's resume under "hobbies." 

And "previous employment."

16. I Need a Doctor - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey
Skylar Grey is going to be everywhere for the next couple years. She's the new go-to singer for adding enough melodrama to make Richard Wagner blush.

22. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Fucking Peas
That it exists demeans human endeavor; that it is beloved discredits human existence.

23. Landslide - Glee Cast ft. Gwyneth Paltrow
At this point, the only person I'm interested in hearing a cover of this song from is Tom Waits. And there is no song that I'm interested in hearing the Glee cast perform.

24. Pretty Girl Rock - Keri Hilson
I hope this wasn't intended as some sort of answer song to "Pretty Boy Swag," because (a) answer songs are a ridiculous concept, and (b) no one remembers "Pretty Boy Swag" at this point, and it's best left forgotten.

38. Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band
Making its first appearance on the Top 40 just as spring starts! Well-played, Zac Brown Band.

40. The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco
Whitest. Sample. Ever.

Chart Notes for March 5-11

2. Fuck You - Cee-lo Green
4. Fuckin' Perfect - Pink
7. Tonight (I'm Fucking You) - Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris and DJ Frank E
It's such a versatile word.

9. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
All these years later, and the most entertaining thing about J-Lo's music career is still the time Shepard Smith was talking about one of her songs and accidentally said "blowjob" on the air. I linked to a video of that instead of this rote, clunky dance track.

11. Blow - Ke$ha
There are so many jokes here that I'll just let everyone see how many they can come up with.

15. Moment for Life - Nikki Minaj ft. Drake
It's good to see Drake finally making his debut as a rapper.

23. Never Say Never - Justin Bieber ft. Jaden Smith
Just once, I'd like to see one of these teen idol singers turn out to be a hardcore Marxist, or a militant atheist, or a damned Neo-Fascist for that matter. Just something interesting.

27. Yeah 3x - Chris Brown
The song might be even more lazy than the title.

31. All of the Lights - Kanye West  (WARNING: VIDEO MAY INDUCE SEIZURES)
OK, it's a good song and Imma let you finish, but why the hell does the radio version of this censor "I slapped my girl" in a song about the consequences of domestic violence? This is the same thinking that leads to 12-year-olds getting expelled from school over a Children's Motrin.

38. Stereo Love - Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina
This song is so European that your iPod smokes a cigarillo every time you play it.

39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. Cataracs and Dev
I played this song for a nest of grackles, and they shrieked at me and flew away. With any luck, this will be the last week I get to mention this atrocity.