2. E.T. - Katy Perry ft. Kanye West
Katy Perry has the choked, halting singing style of someone who can barely carry a tune trying to do the vocals on Rock Band. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here.
10. Judas - Lady Gaga
I'm getting worried about how rigorously Lady Gaga is replicating Madonna's career. If she releases her own version of Sex, it'll be scarier than the Necronomicon.
11. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
Now that John Mayer's career has flamed out, the competition for the next poor man's Jack Johnson is getting fierce.
14. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
Tinie, you don't need to tell us how awful your childhood was. Your name says it all.
20. Give Me Everything - Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer
This shit sucks, but it's pretty cool that a mashup is in the Top 20. Wait...it isn't a mashup? This is how it was originally recorded? They wanted it to sound like this?
24. Price Tag - Jessie J ft. B.o.B.
The chorus for this song rhymes "money" with "money," and follows up by rhyming "dance" with "tag." That's like watching a guy trip over his untied shoelaces, bend down and tie them, and then fall flat on his face because he tied his shoes together.
30. Backseat - Satan ft. The Minions of Hell
I'm holding out hope that blatant payola is the only thing keeping this turd afloat, because the alternative involves a lot of blood.
36. For the First Time - The Script
This song is really old-school, in the sense of medieval kings preferring their minstrels to be castrati.
40. Bow Chicka Wow Wow - Mike Posner ft. Lil Wayne
Eww. If a guy plays this song for a date, it's a pretty good bet that there's a keyhole on the inside of his front door.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Chart Notes for April 9-15
3. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas
The public "just can't get enough" Black-Eyed Peas, and I "just can't get enough" whiskey every time I hear them and realize they're still popular.
8. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
Somewhere, a former Hanna-Barbera screenwriter just turned off this song and muttered about how utterly formulaic it is.
10. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
I guess this isn't really...isn't really...
Sorry, dozed off for a minute there.
17. No Sleep - Wiz Khalifa
I'm pretty sure these lyrics are straight off a sheet of paper someone found snooping through Andrew W.K.'s trash can.
19. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
"Hey, it's Tinie, I'm on my way to the studio."
"Great. Hey, our hook man didn't show up. Mind stopping by the university piano conservatory and grabbing the loudest white guy you can find?"
22. John - Lil Wayne ft. Rick Ross
I think the high quality of "Devil in a Blue Dress" has caused some confusion, so let's clear this up: If you are not Kanye West, you still can't put Rick Ross on a track without ruining it.
26. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
I admire the honesty.
33. Who Says - Selena Gomez and the Scene
If Natasha Bedingfield songs were Coach bags, Selena Gomez would have been arrested by now.
39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
This song has surprising resilience; most piles of dogshit don't still reek like this after seven weeks.
The public "just can't get enough" Black-Eyed Peas, and I "just can't get enough" whiskey every time I hear them and realize they're still popular.
8. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
Somewhere, a former Hanna-Barbera screenwriter just turned off this song and muttered about how utterly formulaic it is.
10. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
I guess this isn't really...isn't really...
Sorry, dozed off for a minute there.
17. No Sleep - Wiz Khalifa
I'm pretty sure these lyrics are straight off a sheet of paper someone found snooping through Andrew W.K.'s trash can.
19. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
"Hey, it's Tinie, I'm on my way to the studio."
"Great. Hey, our hook man didn't show up. Mind stopping by the university piano conservatory and grabbing the loudest white guy you can find?"
22. John - Lil Wayne ft. Rick Ross
I think the high quality of "Devil in a Blue Dress" has caused some confusion, so let's clear this up: If you are not Kanye West, you still can't put Rick Ross on a track without ruining it.
26. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
I admire the honesty.
33. Who Says - Selena Gomez and the Scene
If Natasha Bedingfield songs were Coach bags, Selena Gomez would have been arrested by now.
39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
This song has surprising resilience; most piles of dogshit don't still reek like this after seven weeks.
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