3. Til the World Ends - Britney Spears
Ironically, this song is actually one of the signs of the apocalypse.
12. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
The song obviously sucks, but did you know the album is called Disc-overy? CDs have been around for more than 20 years. There's a reason that title still wasn't taken: it sounds like a shitty sampler CD that Target throws in when you buy a stereo.
13. Give Me Everything - Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, AfroJack, and Nayer
Pitbull? AfroJack? Ne-Yo? Are these characters in a new fighting game?
15. Roll Up - Wiz Khalifa
Ohhh, the title makes it sound like it's about weed! Clever! Seriously, that's the only remotely interesting thing about this song.
20. Judas - Lady Gaga
This debuted at #10, and has dropped like a rock since. I guess Lady Gaga's audience has betrayed her.
22. I Feel Pretty/Unpretty - Glee Cast
Things you'll never, ever hear in the "Glee" writer's room: "Nah, too obvious."
29. Honey Bee - Blake Shelton
Blake Shelton should apologize. I don't mean for that Twitter post people are upset about; I mean to Graham Parker, for stealing the bassline from "Local Girls."
36. Country Girl (Shake It for Me) - Luke Bryan
No matter how low my expectations for crossover country get, it still manages to slip under the bar.
38. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett and Goonrock
It's hard to tell if this is actually intended as a satire, or if they're just totally open about not giving a fuck. Either way, it's still better than "Backseat."
Friday, May 6, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Chart Notes for April 23-29
2. E.T. - Katy Perry ft. Kanye West
Katy Perry has the choked, halting singing style of someone who can barely carry a tune trying to do the vocals on Rock Band. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here.
10. Judas - Lady Gaga
I'm getting worried about how rigorously Lady Gaga is replicating Madonna's career. If she releases her own version of Sex, it'll be scarier than the Necronomicon.
11. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
Now that John Mayer's career has flamed out, the competition for the next poor man's Jack Johnson is getting fierce.
14. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
Tinie, you don't need to tell us how awful your childhood was. Your name says it all.
20. Give Me Everything - Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer
This shit sucks, but it's pretty cool that a mashup is in the Top 20. Wait...it isn't a mashup? This is how it was originally recorded? They wanted it to sound like this?
24. Price Tag - Jessie J ft. B.o.B.
The chorus for this song rhymes "money" with "money," and follows up by rhyming "dance" with "tag." That's like watching a guy trip over his untied shoelaces, bend down and tie them, and then fall flat on his face because he tied his shoes together.
30. Backseat - Satan ft. The Minions of Hell
I'm holding out hope that blatant payola is the only thing keeping this turd afloat, because the alternative involves a lot of blood.
36. For the First Time - The Script
This song is really old-school, in the sense of medieval kings preferring their minstrels to be castrati.
40. Bow Chicka Wow Wow - Mike Posner ft. Lil Wayne
Eww. If a guy plays this song for a date, it's a pretty good bet that there's a keyhole on the inside of his front door.
Katy Perry has the choked, halting singing style of someone who can barely carry a tune trying to do the vocals on Rock Band. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here.
10. Judas - Lady Gaga
I'm getting worried about how rigorously Lady Gaga is replicating Madonna's career. If she releases her own version of Sex, it'll be scarier than the Necronomicon.
11. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
Now that John Mayer's career has flamed out, the competition for the next poor man's Jack Johnson is getting fierce.
14. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
Tinie, you don't need to tell us how awful your childhood was. Your name says it all.
20. Give Me Everything - Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, and Nayer
This shit sucks, but it's pretty cool that a mashup is in the Top 20. Wait...it isn't a mashup? This is how it was originally recorded? They wanted it to sound like this?
24. Price Tag - Jessie J ft. B.o.B.
The chorus for this song rhymes "money" with "money," and follows up by rhyming "dance" with "tag." That's like watching a guy trip over his untied shoelaces, bend down and tie them, and then fall flat on his face because he tied his shoes together.
30. Backseat - Satan ft. The Minions of Hell
I'm holding out hope that blatant payola is the only thing keeping this turd afloat, because the alternative involves a lot of blood.
36. For the First Time - The Script
This song is really old-school, in the sense of medieval kings preferring their minstrels to be castrati.
40. Bow Chicka Wow Wow - Mike Posner ft. Lil Wayne
Eww. If a guy plays this song for a date, it's a pretty good bet that there's a keyhole on the inside of his front door.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Chart Notes for April 9-15
3. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas
The public "just can't get enough" Black-Eyed Peas, and I "just can't get enough" whiskey every time I hear them and realize they're still popular.
8. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
Somewhere, a former Hanna-Barbera screenwriter just turned off this song and muttered about how utterly formulaic it is.
10. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
I guess this isn't really...isn't really...
Sorry, dozed off for a minute there.
17. No Sleep - Wiz Khalifa
I'm pretty sure these lyrics are straight off a sheet of paper someone found snooping through Andrew W.K.'s trash can.
19. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
"Hey, it's Tinie, I'm on my way to the studio."
"Great. Hey, our hook man didn't show up. Mind stopping by the university piano conservatory and grabbing the loudest white guy you can find?"
22. John - Lil Wayne ft. Rick Ross
I think the high quality of "Devil in a Blue Dress" has caused some confusion, so let's clear this up: If you are not Kanye West, you still can't put Rick Ross on a track without ruining it.
26. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
I admire the honesty.
33. Who Says - Selena Gomez and the Scene
If Natasha Bedingfield songs were Coach bags, Selena Gomez would have been arrested by now.
39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
This song has surprising resilience; most piles of dogshit don't still reek like this after seven weeks.
The public "just can't get enough" Black-Eyed Peas, and I "just can't get enough" whiskey every time I hear them and realize they're still popular.
8. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
Somewhere, a former Hanna-Barbera screenwriter just turned off this song and muttered about how utterly formulaic it is.
10. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
I guess this isn't really...isn't really...
Sorry, dozed off for a minute there.
17. No Sleep - Wiz Khalifa
I'm pretty sure these lyrics are straight off a sheet of paper someone found snooping through Andrew W.K.'s trash can.
19. Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner
"Hey, it's Tinie, I'm on my way to the studio."
"Great. Hey, our hook man didn't show up. Mind stopping by the university piano conservatory and grabbing the loudest white guy you can find?"
22. John - Lil Wayne ft. Rick Ross
I think the high quality of "Devil in a Blue Dress" has caused some confusion, so let's clear this up: If you are not Kanye West, you still can't put Rick Ross on a track without ruining it.
26. The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
I admire the honesty.
33. Who Says - Selena Gomez and the Scene
If Natasha Bedingfield songs were Coach bags, Selena Gomez would have been arrested by now.
39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
This song has surprising resilience; most piles of dogshit don't still reek like this after seven weeks.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Unconscionable Lyricism of Train Guy
You may recognize the smug, vaguely unsavory character above as Pat Monahan, lead singer of Train. He's known for writing catchy melodies, as well as the worst lyrics in pop history (a feat on par with being the dumbest guy at a Sarah Palin book signing). Obviously, we'll be exploring the latter.
"Hey, Soul Sister" is lyrically absurd, not least because it makes him the first Irishman in history to call anyone a "soul sister" with a straight face. It also contains this:
Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
Friday, March 18, 2011
Chart Notes for March 19-25
1. Born This Way - Lady Gaga
I actually linked to Madonna's "Express Yourself" instead of this. I'm telling you because you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
7. Grenade - Bruno Mars
I hope Bruno didn't write this song for an actual girl. If he did, he's probably still writing off getting dumped the next day as a coincidence.
10. Blow - Ke$ha
This title is also the only word on Ke$ha's resume under "hobbies."
And "previous employment."
16. I Need a Doctor - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey
Skylar Grey is going to be everywhere for the next couple years. She's the new go-to singer for adding enough melodrama to make Richard Wagner blush.
22. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Fucking Peas
That it exists demeans human endeavor; that it is beloved discredits human existence.
23. Landslide - Glee Cast ft. Gwyneth Paltrow
At this point, the only person I'm interested in hearing a cover of this song from is Tom Waits. And there is no song that I'm interested in hearing the Glee cast perform.
24. Pretty Girl Rock - Keri Hilson
I hope this wasn't intended as some sort of answer song to "Pretty Boy Swag," because (a) answer songs are a ridiculous concept, and (b) no one remembers "Pretty Boy Swag" at this point, and it's best left forgotten.
38. Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band
Making its first appearance on the Top 40 just as spring starts! Well-played, Zac Brown Band.
40. The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco
Whitest. Sample. Ever.
I actually linked to Madonna's "Express Yourself" instead of this. I'm telling you because you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
7. Grenade - Bruno Mars
I hope Bruno didn't write this song for an actual girl. If he did, he's probably still writing off getting dumped the next day as a coincidence.
10. Blow - Ke$ha
This title is also the only word on Ke$ha's resume under "hobbies."
And "previous employment."
16. I Need a Doctor - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey
Skylar Grey is going to be everywhere for the next couple years. She's the new go-to singer for adding enough melodrama to make Richard Wagner blush.
22. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Fucking Peas
That it exists demeans human endeavor; that it is beloved discredits human existence.
23. Landslide - Glee Cast ft. Gwyneth Paltrow
At this point, the only person I'm interested in hearing a cover of this song from is Tom Waits. And there is no song that I'm interested in hearing the Glee cast perform.
24. Pretty Girl Rock - Keri Hilson
I hope this wasn't intended as some sort of answer song to "Pretty Boy Swag," because (a) answer songs are a ridiculous concept, and (b) no one remembers "Pretty Boy Swag" at this point, and it's best left forgotten.
38. Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band
Making its first appearance on the Top 40 just as spring starts! Well-played, Zac Brown Band.
40. The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco
Whitest. Sample. Ever.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Chart Notes for March 5-11
2. Fuck You - Cee-lo Green
4. Fuckin' Perfect - Pink
7. Tonight (I'm Fucking You) - Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris and DJ Frank E
It's such a versatile word.
9. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
All these years later, and the most entertaining thing about J-Lo's music career is still the time Shepard Smith was talking about one of her songs and accidentally said "blowjob" on the air. I linked to a video of that instead of this rote, clunky dance track.
11. Blow - Ke$ha
There are so many jokes here that I'll just let everyone see how many they can come up with.
15. Moment for Life - Nikki Minaj ft. Drake
It's good to see Drake finally making his debut as a rapper.
23. Never Say Never - Justin Bieber ft. Jaden Smith
Just once, I'd like to see one of these teen idol singers turn out to be a hardcore Marxist, or a militant atheist, or a damned Neo-Fascist for that matter. Just something interesting.
27. Yeah 3x - Chris Brown
The song might be even more lazy than the title.
31. All of the Lights - Kanye West (WARNING: VIDEO MAY INDUCE SEIZURES)
OK, it's a good song and Imma let you finish, but why the hell does the radio version of this censor "I slapped my girl" in a song about the consequences of domestic violence? This is the same thinking that leads to 12-year-olds getting expelled from school over a Children's Motrin.
38. Stereo Love - Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina
This song is so European that your iPod smokes a cigarillo every time you play it.
39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. Cataracs and Dev
I played this song for a nest of grackles, and they shrieked at me and flew away. With any luck, this will be the last week I get to mention this atrocity.
4. Fuckin' Perfect - Pink
7. Tonight (I'm Fucking You) - Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris and DJ Frank E
It's such a versatile word.
9. On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
All these years later, and the most entertaining thing about J-Lo's music career is still the time Shepard Smith was talking about one of her songs and accidentally said "blowjob" on the air. I linked to a video of that instead of this rote, clunky dance track.
11. Blow - Ke$ha
There are so many jokes here that I'll just let everyone see how many they can come up with.
15. Moment for Life - Nikki Minaj ft. Drake
It's good to see Drake finally making his debut as a rapper.
23. Never Say Never - Justin Bieber ft. Jaden Smith
Just once, I'd like to see one of these teen idol singers turn out to be a hardcore Marxist, or a militant atheist, or a damned Neo-Fascist for that matter. Just something interesting.
27. Yeah 3x - Chris Brown
The song might be even more lazy than the title.
31. All of the Lights - Kanye West (WARNING: VIDEO MAY INDUCE SEIZURES)
OK, it's a good song and Imma let you finish, but why the hell does the radio version of this censor "I slapped my girl" in a song about the consequences of domestic violence? This is the same thinking that leads to 12-year-olds getting expelled from school over a Children's Motrin.
38. Stereo Love - Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina
This song is so European that your iPod smokes a cigarillo every time you play it.
39. Backseat - New Boyz ft. Cataracs and Dev
I played this song for a nest of grackles, and they shrieked at me and flew away. With any luck, this will be the last week I get to mention this atrocity.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Chart Notes for February 26-March 4
3. Grenade - Bruno Mars
14. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
On "Yonkers," Tyler the Creator expresses a desire to "stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus," which seems really harsh to me. Well, slightly harsh.
7. S&M - Rihanna
Don't forget the safe word, Rihanna.
10. Black & Yellow - Wiz Khalifa
My favorite part of this song is that he's actually bragging about his diamonds being yellow. Where did he buy them, a tool and die shop?
11. Hold it Against Me - Britney Spears
As shitty as this song is, it's way better than the B-Side, "Sleep on Your Stomach."
21. Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
29. No Hands - Waka Flocka Flame ft. Roscoe Dash and Wale
Wow, you really went to a strip club? That's so awesome! Hey, this bottle of Triple Sec has been in here for like a year...I'm sure my dad wouldn't notice if we took a few shots.
30. Ke$ha - We R Who We R
I know this is three weeks in a row, but Ke$ha is the worst current pop artist, and I'm going to keep banging on her (her music, that is; I don't own a hazmat suit).
31. Look at Me Now - Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes
OK, when a guy who usually sings and only dabbles in rapping decides to drop a verse right before Busta and Weezy, he's going to get shown the hell up. Frankly, I expect better decision-making from Chris Brown.
37. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
Since this collaboration is basically the musical equivalent of the Axis of Evil, I expected the song to bite like a pit bull on PCP, and I was still stunned at how bad it actually is. I'm not linking it; I don't want to make others suffer like I did.
14. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
On "Yonkers," Tyler the Creator expresses a desire to "stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus," which seems really harsh to me. Well, slightly harsh.
7. S&M - Rihanna
Don't forget the safe word, Rihanna.
10. Black & Yellow - Wiz Khalifa
My favorite part of this song is that he's actually bragging about his diamonds being yellow. Where did he buy them, a tool and die shop?
11. Hold it Against Me - Britney Spears
As shitty as this song is, it's way better than the B-Side, "Sleep on Your Stomach."
21. Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
29. No Hands - Waka Flocka Flame ft. Roscoe Dash and Wale
Wow, you really went to a strip club? That's so awesome! Hey, this bottle of Triple Sec has been in here for like a year...I'm sure my dad wouldn't notice if we took a few shots.
30. Ke$ha - We R Who We R
I know this is three weeks in a row, but Ke$ha is the worst current pop artist, and I'm going to keep banging on her (her music, that is; I don't own a hazmat suit).
31. Look at Me Now - Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes
OK, when a guy who usually sings and only dabbles in rapping decides to drop a verse right before Busta and Weezy, he's going to get shown the hell up. Frankly, I expect better decision-making from Chris Brown.
37. Backseat - New Boyz ft. The Cataracs and Dev
Since this collaboration is basically the musical equivalent of the Axis of Evil, I expected the song to bite like a pit bull on PCP, and I was still stunned at how bad it actually is. I'm not linking it; I don't want to make others suffer like I did.
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